Five reasons why going to the movies alone kicks 50 shades of ass

Isabella Batkovic braves the cinema alone and loves every ample-armrest-filled second of it.

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I made a last minute decision to see a movie on my own for the first time. The following list is a result of said outing.

  1. Being the only attendee, everything is hassle free!

There are many annoying things that can be avoided by going to the movies on your own. Things like arguing over which film to see (I will not be wasting my money or time on 50 Shades of Grey thankyouverymuchhaveaniceday), sharing your $5,000 haul of treats from the Candy Bar and the absolute worst one of them all- waiting for a late mate whose tardiness causes you to miss the trailers (a common friendship breaker).

“You can’t have your choc top and eat it too,” said no one ever…

  1. Saying the phrase “ticket for one”

When I first entered the theatre, I felt a little embarrassed. Friends and couples were all lining up together, while I trudged slowly to the ticket counter alone. I nervously stuttered the words “t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-ticket for one p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-please” (developing a stutter during the ordeal). Not even three seconds after speaking, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. “I DON”T NEED A MAN TO MAKE IT HAPPEN, I GET OFF BEING FREE” became the mental background music for the rest of the evening and I realised I wasn’t as much of a creep/loser as the cinema employee probably thought I was.

Level unlocked: miss independent.

  1. Enough armrest space for a family (of 1)

There is nothing more satisfying than sitting in a cinema chair with each arm on an armrest. Too many times have I been seated next to a Chewbacca (Chewbacca definition: moviegoer who is large, smelly, hairy, loud and makes strange gargling sounds during the film) who immediately claims the arm rest as his/her own. Now that I have experienced true comfort, I will not struggle in silence.

No more will I settle for half of my seat’s features.

No longer will I wrestle with a Chewbacca to get what I deserve.

I AM INDEPENDENT FILMGOER, HEAR ME ROAR.

  1. Eating ALL THE POPCORN 

When I go to the movies, I want to lose myself in a big bucket of greasy, over-salted, stale, chewy, delicious, buttery, oily popcorn. At one point I turned to the chair next to me and asked the empty space, “Would you like some of my popcorn?”, accustomed to sharing my treats with others. When no one answered, I realised the popcorn was all mine to:

  1. throw up in the air and catch in my mouth;
  2. leave in said empty chair if my arm got sore; and
  3. motorboat in slow mo if I really wanted to (oh boy did I!).

Sharing is caring, so when I offered myself some more popcorn, it was only polite to say yes.

  1. No time limit for a toilet break

Many won’t admit it but we’ve all been a victim of the embarrassing mid-film toilet break. What’s so bad about going to the toilet I hear you ask? Well, not only have you become the focal point of everybody sitting behind you but you’ve also begun playing the little mental game of: “If I’m Gone Too Long Will They Think I’m Doing A Number Two?” These troubled thoughts are then accompanied by panic as you realise you might miss something totally awesome in the movie and thus the vicious cycle of ‘get up, make a quick toilet break (that won’t come under suspicion of being a number two) and miss nothing of importance in the film’ begins.

When that slushie hit my bladder, I knew I had no stopwatch wearin’, toilet break timin’ official keeping track of my movements (especially the bowel kind).

You can read more about my cinema musings in my new book: “Shut the hell up, the trailers are starting!”, or you can listen to my podcast series: “How to buy cinema snacks on a budget.”

 

Image: Sara Robertson- flikr, no changes made.