City Campus Announces Autonomy
Shocking students and staff alike, the newly-formed City Campus Students Association has announced its plans to separate from UON. Jack Moran reports.
Students and staff were shocked today by the announcement that City Campus would seek to secede from the University of Newcastle.
In a media conference held in the foyer of NeW Space, the recently-formed City Campus Students Association (CCSA) revealed that they would be looking to begin preparations for City Campus independence immediately.
“For far too long the students of the City Campus have been chained to the yoke of the University of Newcastle,” CCSA President George Waldorf said in his opening speech.
“Today we say no more. Today we declare our independence.”
President Waldorf went on to say that the CCSA’s primary reasons for breaking away from UON were “long-standing cultural differences” and a fear of Callaghan students bringing diseases like malaria into the city precinct.
“I’m not saying that all Callaghan students have malaria,” President Waldorf said.
“I would never say that. Some of my best friends are from Callaghan. But I am also not saying that some of them may not have it.”
The man who would be president: who is George Waldorf?
Sources say that George Waldorf is “a visionary”, “a revolutionary,” and “the single most influential person of our time.”
These quotes were found within President Waldorf’s Tinder bio.
Although much of President Waldorf’s early life is shrouded in mystery, we’re told that he is a first-year Bachelor of Business student.
Anonymous sources have claimed that he tried to get into University of Sydney but was unable to, even though his dad is reportedly “really close with their VC.”
President Waldorf has strongly denied such claims.
“That is fake news. Total and utter fake news,” he said.
“Any photos of me at a University of Sydney open day are photoshopped propaganda released by my opponents.
“My family has a long and proud connection to Newcastle. I am even descended from Sir Newcastle himself.”
We are still combing local history to ascertain whether or not any Sir Newcastle ever existed or was affiliated with Newcastle.
A bold new future: what comes next?
With the formation of a new university, the CCSA finds themselves in the thick of important policy decisions.
Much debate has raged over what the new university based at City Campus will call itself.
One faction within the CCSA insists that, as they are the only university actually located in the Newcastle CBD, the City Campus should take the University of Newcastle name with them.
It’s been suggested that the current UON be renamed “Callaghan University”, “Outer Newcastle University”, or the “University of Swampytown.”
No representatives from UON have commented on any of these proposals.
The CCSA has also been seeking to secure key infrastructure and services for their independent campus.
Most notably, CCSA representatives have been spotted frequenting the Bakehouse in what is suspected to be either early negotiations for the Bakehouse’s emigration to the new campus or a desire for the $7.50 meal deal.
Bakehouse officials have not yet given a statement but concerned students have already begun holding a candlelight vigil for the store.
President Waldorf has also announced a mandatory uniform for staff and students of the independent City Campus that will consist of a formal suit and tie.
“We are preparing the next generation of business leaders and lawyers here,” President Waldorf said. “They should dress like it.”
When asked if any staff members or students from the School of Creative Industries – whose faculty is also located at the city campus – had been consulted on the uniform proposal, President Waldorf seemed confused.
“I don’t know what that is,” he said. “Is that what they’re calling the TAFE now?”
Public opinion: what have you been saying?