Feel like your best days are behind you and you’re already starting to resent those pesky youths? Shea Evans has a few surefire ways to tell just how old you are on the inside.

Look, I know what some of you might be thinking: “aren’t you a little young to be writing a list of signs that show you’re getting older?” And to that, I say, “no, not at all.”

Your Easter chocolate lasts longer and longer each year, even though you get less

Remember Easter when you were younger? The build-up, the anticipation, the joy, the orgy of torn foil and chocolate devoured? That was Easter’s golden epoch in your life, everybody showered you with delicious refined cacao and within two or three days you had consumed the entire stash without rousing your conscience. These days? You get half as much, if any, and it lasts you until nearly Christmas.

Children’s television mean nothing to you

The old weekend routine: wake up, make a milo, and flick Saturday Disney on. What a joy, you were aware that you were fulfilling your purpose as a kid by doing this, and it felt so right to do your weekly duty. But when you stumble across kid’s TV today, even for a few seconds, all you feel is horror and worry for the next generation’s adults.

People you know are getting engaged

This is a big one. Only adults can get married, that’s the law. So how are all these people around you getting engaged and, *gasp*, intentionally having children? Oh yeah, dummy, you’ve aged. But it’s okay, it happens to almost everyone.

Global conflicts make you concerned for the price of petrol

A little selfish, perhaps, but this is something that affects you personally, dammit! If only peace could be achieved, not that you believe it can, then the price of petrol would be reduced and you could live happily ever after.

You’re starting to sympathise with The Man

The Man, your former enemy, is beginning to appear misunderstood rather than misanthropic, and you’re not sure why. Gone is your former zeal, replaced with warm indifference, The Man doesn’t seem half bad anymore. You’re not going to up and become best friends with him, but if The Man were your neighbour you could see yourself having beers around the barbecue with him.

You’ve become the one who shushes people at the cinema

This one inspired me to compile the list, it’s what made me realise I had firmly ascended beyond Punk Kid territory. You’re in the cinema, about to see A Quiet Place, and a gaggle of four twelve-year olds run in. They, of course, choose to sit directly in front of you. Your hackles rise. They are loud during the trailers, but that’s okay because you’re not really paying attention. You even remember with fondness your own long cast-off youth spent talking loudly in the cinema, it’s part of being a Punk Kid. But then the movie starts, and it’s quiet, and they keep talking. They keep saying dumb Punk Kid stuff, and you’re just boiling in your seat getting madder and madder. They don’t stop, so eventually you lean forward and go for it. “Shhh,” you say, crossing the border of whimsical youth and entering crusty adulthood. They laugh at your oldness, but they do pipe down- for a while.

How many of these applied to you? Count them up and see just how old you are.

One: Grow up, Punk Kid. You probably don’t own a pair of long pants.

Two: How’s the HSC going? Probably poorly, you’re better than this.

Three: An acceptable, lukewarm, medium. Still plenty of ageing left in you.

Four: Practically middle-aged already, nice work.

Five: Kooky grandparent.

Six: Get yourself a walking frame and reserve a spot at the nursing home, you’re older than you think.